Kerry, look. Six of the Seven Tips to the Perfect Kiss I already do.
The seventh I don't need because my lips are naturally moist.
Yeah, like you can learn how to kiss by reading a magazine.
It beats getting mirror-burn.
Shut up.
Thanks for letting me stay here till my Mom could pick me up.
- Sure. - Bye, Rory.
Yeah. Bye, punk.
All right, Sabrina. Thanks for showing me that spin move. See you soon.
- Say hi to your mom. - Bye.
Bye-bye.
Oh, boy.
He's pinching his nose.
- He's mad at somebody. - Hope it's you.
Rory Joseph Hennessy.
- The whole name! - Oh, he's gonna get it!
What? What did I do?
What didn't you do? You were insulting Sabrina the entire car ride home.
And you just called her "punk." Why?
She doesn't like "butt-face."
You're making my point.
I was gonna say something, I didn't wanna embarrass you
- in front of your friend. - Favorite child.
Yeah, when does that matter?
Tomorrow, you're gonna apologize to Sabrina. And just so you know,
punching somebody in the arm every time you see a VW bug is not OK.
And it still hurts.
What? What?!
[both teasing] Rory's got a girlfriend. Rory's got a girlfriend.
- [girls continue chanting] - [grunts]
Hey, girls. Get over here. You got mail.
Paper mail.
I can show you how to open it.
Looks like the results for your state aptitude tests.
They don't prove anything. What is aptitude, anyway?
A talent, skill, or ability for learning.
Got that question wrong.
I'm with Bridget on this one. I don't place much stock in standardized tests.
- That's 'cause you didn't do well... - I had pink eye.
OK, whatever, I don't really care.
- [gasps] An 88. I got an 88! - You did?!
I read to her as a child.
Just so you guys know, I really did my best, OK?
We know that. You can always take it again.
- [gasps] I got a 92! - I'll pay for tutors, classes...
You said you got a 92?!
I did better than Kerry!
No, wait, let me see that, no. No.
[whining] No!
Don't worry. It's just a little higher than your cute score.
- Wait, wait, wait! Calm. - Bridget, this is outstanding.
I can't remember the last time you made the refrigerator door.
[mock laughing] I can.
It was in the second grade. She drew a six-legged dog.
No, this is bigger than the refrigerator. I gotta frame this.
These.
I should start wearing glasses and put my hair up
because now I'm smart and hot.
Wake up. Wake up.
[knocking]
- Guys? - Wow, it knocked.
- I have a question. - We don't care.
Let's just say a guy likes a girl.
A girl named Sabrina?
No! This is for a friend of mine.
- Let's just call him... - Dork?
OK... And he...
- He lives down the hall from us? - [Rory] Know what?
You know, what? Forget it!
- Come back. We'll help you. - Sit down. Oh, and shut the dork.
I'm just joking. Last one.
OK, so you like Sabrina and you wanna ask her out.
Yeah, and I can't talk to Dad about it
because as soon as he finds out I like a girl, he's gonna go, "Aw!"
- Aw. - Aw.
Well, how do you know Sabrina even likes you?
Patrick stole this note from Megan who got it from Lacey, passing it to Katy.
It said Sabrina called me a "hottie with a body", which is good, so it's a lock.
Oh, my God. You've turned into Bridget.
- Whatever. - Whatever.
OK, so what's the problem?
Well... a bunch of people are going to the movies this weekend,
and I was thinking about asking Sabrina.
[both laugh]
- What? You don't think she likes me? - Well... no.
OK, let's just say, by some freak chance, she's not using you
to make a cooler guy jealous or win a bet by dating Ã¼ber-dork.
Um, Dad's never gonna let you go.
But it's with a group.
Dad didn't let me group date when I was your age.
Oh, but in fairness, you had to be part of a group.
- I had friends. - They were one-foot-tall and stuffed.
- Shut up! - And you kissed them.
Shut up! [scoffs]
Just do what I do, all right? Just sneak out.
Don't do that. You'll get caught and you'll be in worse trouble.
Come on. Who ya gonna listen to? Her or the smart one?
Oh, please. You were bound to do well eventually.
If you give a thousand monkeys a thousand tests...
That would be one test per monkey.
A 92... I...
- [sighs] - Yes?
- Dad... I have a question. - No monkey.
No. It's just that there's... this girl.
- Aw! - Forget it.
No, no, no, wait, wait... wait! I'm sorry. Sit down. Sit down.
Rory, I promise I won't do that again.
So who's the lucky girl?
Actually, it's Sabrina Jenkins.
- Aw! - Dad.
Sorry! That's awesome.
Kerry! Check it out. Rory's about to ask Dad if he can go out with Sabrina.
This is gonna be a train wreck. Move, I can't see.
Anyway, a bunch of people are going to the movies Saturday.
And I was wondering if I could go with them.
Half-truth. Interesting move.
- And take Sabrina. - Honesty? Such a rookie mistake.
Now it'll be a "no" and a three-hour lecture of why it's a "no."
- Show's over. - Yeah.
- Sure you can go. Sounds like fun. - Really? Sweet!
- What? - What? Dad!
- My God, you are such a hypocrite. - You're favoring Rory!
- It's not fair! - Kerry stole my shirt!
I thought I'd slip that in.
OK, Rory gets to date. Bridget's smarter. Wake up! Wake up!
OK, everybody be quiet! Kerry, pull yourself together.
Paul, what's going on here?
Well... Rory got himself a little girlfriend.
Aw!
- Mom, Dad's letting Rory date. - Oh, yeah.
Which is totally unfair.
The sisters are wiggin'.
Well, it isn't exactly a date. It's a group thing.
Just a group thang.
OK, Rory! Beat it.
- Rory is skidattlin'. - Go!
OK, calling it a "group thing" instead of a date is just...
- Just... - Semantics?
- I was gonna... - Say that?
- Know what? It is go time, genius! - Bring it over here. Let's go.
- You couldn't... - Girls! Girls!
I thought you were on the same side here.
Sorry. This ain't over.
"Isn't."
Look, you gotta talk to Dad for us.
Yeah, he's letting Rory get away with murder because he's the boy.
Meanwhile, the women are stuck in the kitchen.
Yeah, but only one of us is actually doing anything.
You know we're right. Talk to him.
Well, girls, I'd love to help you out on this one.
But your dad and I have an agreement. We do not undercut each other.
- OK, but what about sisterhood? - Well, I'm all for it,
but this sister needs a new car.
So I'm picking my battles. Good luck!
- Mom, come on! - Wait! Get ready. Here he comes.
Hello, girls. How's it going?
OK, first of all, we are not girls. We are women.
It's been a long day. Could you be women after dinner?
No. You're bending the rules for Rory. We're not gonna take it.
- It's a double standard. - Want me to tell him he can't go?
We don't care if he goes. We want more freedom.
And pro-rated. For all the times we didn't get to do stuff.
- Yeah, so we want later curfews. - And dates on weeknights.
- And a tattoo that says "Kyle." - Bridget!
Sorry. I thought I'd slip that in.
I see. So you both think I treat Rory better than you?
- Yes. - Yeah.
I see. I don't agree, but fair's fair. So how about this?
Your curfew's always been 11:00, right?
No, it's actually been 11:30.
- Really?! - Yeah. For like about a year.
Oh! Well, then never mind.
Hey, Dad. Check it out.
I got the new Insane Clown Posse CD for the ride to the movies.
You know, set the mood.
[chuckles] The name alone screams "romance."
[doorbell rings]
Little Hennessy, what do you say?
You gonna invite me in?
I can't. My mom hates you and doesn't want you in our house.
That so? Well, guess what, her car's not here... move it.
- Tommy? What brings you here? - My wife call?
No. Why would your wife?
- She... - [phone rings]
- Hello. - Give me...
Yeah, I'll get that report to Higgins. Hello?
Honey, what are you? I told you I'd be working here, didn't I?
Well... Wait a minute. Are you checking up on me?
I don't check up on you, do I? Because I trust you.
Well, frankly, if I were in your shoes, I'd feel terrible too.
All right, well, don't cry.
All right. Just don't call again, all right?
OK. Yeah, me too. Bye.
- See ya. - Tommy, I hate it when you do this.
I hate myself when I do this.
- Why do we do this, Hennessy? - I'm not doing anything.
That's exactly what I tell myself, but I get over it.
What are you doing Saturday? I may need you by your phone.
I'm sticking around here on Saturday. My son's going out on his first date.
Rudy has his first date.
- Rory. - Whatever. Your little boy!
Yeah. Already. Then again, he is a Hennessy.
Ah... More important, he overcame it.
[chuckling]
You're chuckling a lot for a guy reading the history of the Cosa Nostra.
I was just thinking about Rory. Lo and behold,
he's got his first date with a girl.
[continues chuckling]
- I'm reading. - No, it's just, I'm thinking about...
...how it was almost like yesterday when he said, "Girls are yucky,"
and throwing rocks at 'em and now, lo and behold,
he's got his first date with a little girl.
You can't pretend that you're not thinking about it, too.
I'm thinking you've said "lo and behold" about five times in the last hour.
- Would you, you know, stop? - Is that so bad?
If you'd said it before you proposed it would have been a deal breaker.
So sue me. I'm basking in my little buddy's foray into manhood.
Paul, you are the master of the double standard.
- What? - You never chuckled
when the girls were foraying into womanhood.
Well, that wasn't funny. Not then, not now.
But you gotta admit, with Rory, it's kinda cute.
Well... well, you think it's cute.
- I think it's a little sad. - I know, lo and behold, he's...
Is this gonna be like the time you said "vis-a-vis" for six months?
I'm sorry.
Anyway, you know, I heard on the radio that 30 percent of kids
are sexually active by the time they are freshmen. Can you believe that?
Things have sure changed since we were in college.
- Freshmen in high school. - No! Don't say...
So what? You're saying you think Rory is...
No. No, no, no. I'm just saying this is another thing
to worry about and to prepare our kids for.
'Cause Rory's not a teenager, you know, vis-a-vis...
- I swear to God, vis-a-vis... - Sorry.
Yeah, but he's nearly in high school.
I remember when I was his age, I barely had the nerve to hold a girl's hand.
I mean, mine would literally tremble whenever I'd reach for hers.
- Aw! - You know what it's like.
You remember what you were like when you were that age.
Yes. Yeah, I... Yes, I do remember that.
Good night, Paul.
- [up-tempo music on TV] - Kids?
What are you doing up so late? It's a school night.
We couldn't sleep.
- We were scared. - Shh.
As long as you're up...
- What do you want, Dad? - Well, I just...
I'm doing this research on a column.
Oh, is it about double standards, 'cause you already know a lot about that.
No. Although, and you're gonna laugh, it does touch on that.
Uh-oh. He wants to ask us about sex.
Yes, sex is a complex and difficult decision.
We will not let peer pressure dictate our actions.
- Oh, God, you are so not Celine Dion. - Would you... would you stop with this?
Now, it's...
Actually, I don't wanna talk about you. I'd like to talk about other kids.
Theoretically... do you think that... a lot of them are...
...you know... sexually active?
Define "sexually active."
- Do you want to be home-schooled? - Hey, girls! Girls!
Come on! Please.
I don't know, Dad. I mean, I wouldn't say a lot.
Oh, good.
- Probably... one in three. - Yeah, about that.
Oh, except the band kids.
The band kids?
- Oh, yeah, they're like rabbits. - Uh-huh.
I need to sit down.
Dad, a lot of kids realize that you only have one chance for a first time,
so, it's kinda worth waiting for until you're absolutely sure you're ready.
Wow, Beach.
That's exactly what I wanted to hear.
I know.
Cate, I've been thinking about this thing with Rory since last night.
What if Rory is one of the one in three? Or Sabrina is one of the one in three?
And what's one in three times one in three? Quick, get Kerry down here. No.
- Get Bridget. - OK.
- OK, Paul, you have to calm down. - What? I'm calm.
Take a deep breath.
You know, maybe you just need to have another talk with Rory.
You know, advanced birds and bees without the nature videos and giggling.
That's your answer for everything? Communicating, dealing with the problem.
Where do you come up with this stuff? It's not that easy.
Oh, really? Huh.
Um, Kerry, I just got a call from your history teacher.
Missing homework assignments? Explain, please.
What's the point in studying? Bridget's the smart one.
Bridget's the everything. What do I care?
All right, honey, look, I know you feel bad right now,
but this is one test, taken on one day in your lifetime.
That doesn't make me feel better! School was the one thing I was good at.
It was my thing. Bridget's got everything else.
Now she's suddenly Miss Ninety-Second Percentile. I mean, that's not fair.
All right, honey, just try this:
- Get over it. - What?
Good one, Mom.
And you... smart girl with the smart mouth.
You are obviously underachieving,
so I am sentencing you to two hours of homework a night, every night,
until I see an improvement in your grades. Every night.
What?! No, no. It was a fluke! I'm stupid. S-T-O-O-P-l-D.
See?
- Too late. You're smart. - [Bridget groans]
- Ha-ha! Good one, Mom. - Shut up!
Well, you know what...
Now, that's how you give a talk.
That was good.
Oh, look at him.
I don't hear an "aw!"
God, I can smell the cologne over here.
Hey, Dad, how do I look?
Like a very nice young man.
Aw, man, now I gotta go change.
Come on, you're cool. Come here.
- Can I have some money for the movies? - Yeah.
You know, I've been unfair to you.
No, no, no. I mean, I've been unfair to you and your sisters.
Come here for a second and sit down, Rory.
- Dad? - Yeah?
When Sabrina gets here,
do you think maybe you could call me Ror instead of Rory?
- Ror? - Yeah.
- Like a lion. - Oh, yeah!
OK. All right, listen, I just wanted to say
that I may have gone out on a limb here, treating you differently.
- 'Cause I'm the boy, right? - Yeah.
Yeah, about that, you know how I am with boys
who wanna date your sisters?
Yeah. Horrible.
No, well, let's just say "cautious." But I have to be careful,
because I only want your... your sisters to go out with good guys.
And I want you to be one of the good guys.
- You want me to go out with my sisters? - No, I...
Ror, pay attention, OK?
I want to have a discussion with you about your behavior with girls
because you'll probably be doing more of this.
Dad, don't worry. I think I know how to treat the ladies.
"The ladies?" Who are you, Dean Martin?
[doorbell rings]
- It's Sabrina. - Wait a minute. I'm not finished.
- Dad, I gotta go. - Listen to me.
I want you, and I expect you, to act maturely and be respectful
towards Sabrina and any other girl you ever might wanna date
or ever even encounter from this day forward, forever and ever. Amen.
Why are you telling me all this?
- Because you're the boy. - [groans]
- Hey, punk. - Hey, punk.
- Hi, Mr. Hennessy. - Sabrina.
See ya, Dad.
How are you doing?
Did you see how she was dressed?!
What was I thinking? I wanna keep the girls in a convent,
and here I'm giving Rory money for shore leave.
Have a little faith.
In what?
That Rory is the son of a very sweet man,
whose hand trembled when he reached for the hand of a girl.
Cate, why don't you say that louder? I don't think the neighbors heard!
- [suspenseful music plays] - [high-pitched screaming]
Uh, girls, come on over here. You've got mail.
Oh!
You know, neither one of you is the brightest bulb on the tree.
- Oh, yeah, right. - Right.
It's from the state testing service.
"Due to an error in our computer system, your score was mistakenly reported."
[gasps] A 94! I got a 94!
Well, what did I get?
Well, honey, you got...
...your catalog from Delia.
Cool.